4 Tips to Assist in the Art of Good Conversation

Raquel struggled to make friends during the first few months living in a new city. She had broken up with her boyfriend before moving, and as a woman in her early 30s, new scenery offered both the exciting chance at a new beginning, and the challenges of starting over. Raquel was a joyful woman, and always had enough friends in her old city, where she’d attended college. But now, at a new stage of life, she felt a little insecure about her ability to meet new people. 

One day, Raquel called up her grandmother. When her grandmother asked how things were going, Raquel choked up. “What is it?” her grandmother asked. When Raquel answered that she was struggling to meet new people, her grandmother sympathized. “You are a wonderful person,” her grandmother said. “You just need to channel yourself through good conversation!” 

Raquel thought her grandmother’s response was quite old-fashioned, but she was curious nonetheless. “In my day, people met at parties, and had long conversations. If you are authentic, and say clearly what’s on your mind, you will be able to make new friends,” Raquel’s grandmother said. “All life surrounds the art of good conversation.”

The art of good conversation

In an age of ever-changing ways to communicate online, the art of having a face-to-face conversation is a skill that many people need help honing. Several articles, and a Ted Talk by NPR host Celeste Headlee’s How to Have a Good Conversation on the topic, brought together some thoughtful skills and excellent advice. 

An article in the Canadian Educational Association’s website about the art of good conversation, says that the components of honesty, brevity, clarity, and a keen listening ear are called the most integral aspects of a good conversation. Keeping these in mind, the following are a few ideas to keep a conversation fresh and dynamic.

1. Be present

Celeste Headlee made a hilarious and excellent point in her Ted Talk about being present. She noted that many times you will hear advice on good conversation that focuses on making it obvious that you are listening: maintaining good eye contact, asking probing questions, etc. However, Headlee points out that if you are simply being present, and focusing only on the conversation in front of you, it will be clear that you are listening. This focused energy will be obvious to the other person, and will add a sense of authenticity and openness to the conversation.

2. Ask good questions

A good conversation is about getting to know the other person. People like to talk about what they are interested in, and they are less guarded when they speak to someone who seems genuinely interested in them. Asking good questions is a sign of respect. Assume you have something to learn in every conversation! 

An integral aspect of a good conversation is to ask open-ended questions, which allow the other person to think about their answer. Questions like “how did that feel?” “how do you spend your days?” shows a genuine interest in the person’s life and emotional wellness. Questions related to a specific person’s interests, like: “what are some of your favorite foods?” “what types of books interest you?” or “tell me about your recent travels?” are excellent as well.

3. Listen

Listening is a skill that requires work for most of us. When you are the one talking, it means you are in control. But listening, on the other hand, requires giving up control, and being open to learning something new. Listen for key points, ask follow-up questions, and engage in good faith. Our shared humanity is built upon meaningful, respectful conversations. 

Being a good listener also requires a person to go with the flow of the conversation. Sometimes, during a conversation you think of something semi-related to the topic, but different than what the person in front of you is saying. Perhaps you’re reminded of a story that makes you feel good about yourself! You met a famous person at the airport of the city the other person mentioned. Or your child did something funny in a church nearby the school the other person attended. Side stories can be amusing, indeed! Just think it through. Is this fun anecdote going to help you connect with the other person in front of you, or is it about self-promotion? If it’s more of a self-promotional piece, consider letting it go, and allow the natural flow between two people to continue.

4. Avoid behaviors that can sour a conversation

There are a few obvious habits or tendencies that can sour a conversation. Psychology Today notes a few in the article Six Conversation Habits to Break:

• Don’t interrupt. It will immediately signal to the other person that what they are saying is not important and that you are not listening. Aggressive interrupting is also a notable power-play, as it can throw off the other person and make them feel less in control. 
• Avoid being all-knowing. It’s always obvious in a conversation when the person across from you wants to make sure you know how smart they are. Remember, everyone has something to teach you, if you are willing to learn. 
• Only give advice when asked. Most of the time, people just want to tell their stories, and feel heard. If someone is explicitly asking for your opinion, it’s appropriate to give advice. But oftentimes, it’s not needed, and can be off-putting. 

Raquel decided to take her grandmother’s advice seriously. She did some research on her own, seeing what journalists, travel writers, and wise elders had to say about the topic. Then, she tried out some of the advice. Raquel decided to attend a meet-up for people interested in her new region’s outdoor activities. She realized that there were many people like her in the group, who were looking to meet new friends. 

At one of the early meet-ups, Raquel tried out a few of the new tactics she’s heard about: stay present, and let the conversation naturally flow between both people. She found it difficult at first! But she also found her new conversations more meaningful than most. She wasn’t thinking so much about what she could say to impress the new people she was talking to. She just felt interested in how the conversation would flow. The art of making good conversation became a game to Raquel, and she credited her grandmother for bringing it into her life.

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