Emotional health starts with self-reflection

Carol and Richard have been married 34.5 years. They raised two children together, and both had long, successful careers as attorneys. Their work demanded a lot from them, though they always tried to bring their focus back to family. Both children went to college, and have begun their own young lives. Through transitions, joys, and sorrows, Carol and Richard stuck together. There were times of course in their marriage that they hurt each other’s feelings. And their communication skills during times when they were not ideal. But neither liked to dwell on those things. 

The couple’s relationship frequently mirrored traditional gender roles – though Richard knew how to speak his mind, Carol, though powerful in her career, did not feel that she could express herself fully. But the marriage mattered to both of them, and they coped best they could during hard times. Lately, though, as Carol has been reflecting on nearing 35 years together, she has been questioning why she hasn’t been able to open up more to Richard. She watches her 22-year-old daughter Angie speak her mind, no matter how awkward and uncomfortable it seems. Why couldn’t she express her own emotions to Richard, or her friends? Carol knew deep down that she had pain in her body she hadn’t been able to express. And she wondered how to become more in tune with herself. 

Life transitions frequently come with renewed focus on emotional health. Today, there is a focus on emotional health taught in schools, in the media, and throughout community resources. Young children are being taught that all emotions are ok, that it’s important to know what our bodies are telling us, and how to express all of our emotions in a healthful way. 

This is a great societal shift because understanding our emotions is a vital skill to live healthy and fulfilled lives. Many people, and especially women, have been taught to repress their emotions. But emotional pain remains in the body if it is not let out, and many health conditions begin with unprocessed emotions.

Inner work can start at any age

It’s never too late to look within. Whether you are 15 or 90, if you believe that you are always learning and growing, you will. The Canadian Mental Health Association offers resources for getting more in tune with your inner life. It can be frightening to think about digging deep into our subconscious, and into our past. 

Most people have buried pain, shame, and wounds deep inside, which prevent them from fully aligning with their core self. When wounds fester, it makes living a full life, and expressing the full range of emotions, far more difficult. But inner work can help you heal, no matter how old you are!

Why do inner work?

Understanding our core needs and desires creates the strength to speak our minds. In Carol’s case, the reason why she struggles to express her emotions is because she has never spent time doing inner work – meditation, therapy, journaling about her feelings, etc. If Carol doesn’t know what is happening inside of her – how could she begin accurately expressing it?

It’s not Carol’s fault that she was never taught healthy skills to do inner work, as it was not a common conversation until fairly recently. Plus, societal oppression of women’s voices is just a fact of our world. It can be extremely risky to speak the truth. But the ability for Carol, and everyone, to look within and heal ourselves, no matter how painful and how difficult, is what is needed to fully find our purpose, and align our lives accordingly.

How to become in tune with your inner world

There are a number of practical ways to go inward and discover our core needs, emotions and desires. Many people find that a transitional experience, or a very painful experience, can “break open” new feelings. This is a great time to embrace the moment, and to take up some healthy emotional work. Here are a few tips for discovering your inner world: 

• Journaling: a classic ritual for self-growth. When individuals allow themselves to say anything they need to say on a page of paper, the emotion is no longer stuck inside of them. Journaling has shown to provide stress relief, and comfort, along with a greater self-alignment.
  
• Yoga: people who have taken a yoga class or done yoga online with a great teacher know that the key to a great yoga practice is about allowing our emotions to naturally release through stretching, and poses. When we heal our bodies, we heal our minds and souls. Yoga doesn’t have to be rigorous. The practice in its essence is learning how to breathe, and how to feel the wisdom of our bodies. 

• Therapy: health care professionals like psychologists and counselors give the gift of a caring, safe space to guide individuals into the dark and scary spaces inside themselves. Having a loving listener is often key to being able to see what hurts us, and allowing that wound to transform. 

These techniques are just a few of many ways that people discover their inner worlds. Many people simply have friends who ask honest, helpful questions, or go to their religious and spiritual groups for support as well!

Inner work is a lifelong process

We’re never done growing, or learning about ourselves. The process of discovering ourselves is one that has many phases, and is something to come back to over and over. The beginning is often painful, and confusing. But the more individuals work toward inner freedom, the easier, and more natural it becomes. 

On the eve of their 35th wedding anniversary, Carol told Richard about her recent foray into inner work. After realizing she had been struggling to voice her inner needs for some time, Carol began to recognize why. She’d been afraid that Richard wouldn’t love her or support her, if she said what she really felt about certain things. She told Richard this. He looked at his wife with sadness. Would he have supported her? He hoped so. But he also knew his own tendencies to ignore information that was painful or could cause conflict. Perhaps it was time for him to look inward as well.

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